Dear PT,
It was hard watching you drive away today. We had a wonderful 4 and a 1/2 years together. I remember not being thrilled about you in the beginning but now I don't know if another car can fully take your place. I'll miss you!
Passing comments can really change your perspective on life. For the past couple of weeks, I've had some real epiphanies thanks to my friends. For so long the word "single" has had such a bad connotation to me. But why? Because I've always found myself in relationships, the word single was synonymous with "unwanted." The thought of being alone scared me. I've realized that I ground myself in my relationship. That was my source of security and stability. I was comfortable and knew what to expect. But looking back, it makes me wonder - was I losing myself in that process?
As insignificant as it may seem, I changed my facebook relationship status to single. I know some of you are thinking, "come on! it's just facebook!" And trust me, I know exactly where you are coming from. But I think another group of you understand the significance of declaring to everyone you know that you are now labeling yourself as "single." But it was the past couple weeks that I have accepted the greatness that comes along with being single, especially at this point in my life.
I found myself in a conversation about boys a few days ago (surprise surprise). We were talking about this very subject of being single. I declared, "Being single is exhausting!" In a relationship, I didn't have to worry about being engaging or interesting or flirty. By that I mean, attracting the opposite sex is not a priority. And I suppose I don't have to now but there is some pressure to show the best sides of you (inside and out) at all times. But I have to reframe my thinking from "single means searching for a relationship" to "single means searching for myself." My friend, Alexis, said something that was so poignant and I don't even think she realized it. She said something to the effect of, "I'm single and I'm okay with that because no one can make me as happy right now as I can." That comment hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so true - how can I expect someone else to make me happy, if I'm not the happiness I can be when I'm by myself?
I'm at a significant crossroads in life. I'm finally starting my professional career, I'm working towards financial independence, and I feel like a woman as silly as that sounds. It is equally as important for me right now to be looking inwards and be strong in who I am.
Being single isn't a bad thing - it is a powerful thing! Ingrid shared a fantastic quote with me from the ultimate single girl's source, Sex and the City: "Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you're pretty, sexy, and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with." I will think of this quote any time I'm feeling a bit insecure and I'm sure it will perk me right up!
I did something tonight that I've been dreading for quite some time. I finally took the leap and removed any physical memories of my past relationship. It sounds easy but my heart broke a little more each time I took a picture down. I didn't stop there though - I tried to put away anything that reminded me of him. I found that to be a little impossible without taking everything down. It seems that after two years, everything reminds me of him.
I have to look at the positives though. I realize this is a necessary step in this whole process called healing. And it became clear to me that I can't just expect I will move on without doing anything. I know the saying is that time will heal everything so I have to keep moving forward. Another good thing is that I won't see us everywhere I turn. Maybe I will eventually stop thinking "Where did it go wrong? Look how happy we were."
But the unfortunate thing is that even though the pictures aren't around anymore, my memories will be around for a long time. It's just hard to face the fact that certain people are leaving my life, that certain traditions will no longer happen, and new memories will start to take their place. I look forward to the time that my memories make me happy rather than sad and confused. Well, let me rephrase...I look forward to the time that my memories do not include the emotions: sad, confused, and lonely because many times I can look back and smile.
So I suppose it's obvious I have a long way to go in moving on, but I'm slowly but surely making my way. I'm sure I'll have more milestones to share with you soon...
I just finished reading a fantastic book called "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I will share my insights from time to time as I reflect on the ideas that stood out to me.
The first insight to share:
"A dash of tenderness in the way you treat a man means the difference between being married to a gentle-man or a gingerbread-man. One is heroic and tender; the other is stale and cut out of the same mold as the rest of them."
I really liked that comparison because there have been countless times that myself and my friends have heard the line: "I'm not like other guys." And then what happens? They turn out to be like every other guy. I definitely want a gentle-man.
The book goes on to give some advice to us ladies:
• Crawl into a guy’s world and observe what in that world is important.
• Find opportunities to discuss these “fascinating” topics with him.
• Don’t try and change them to be more like a girl. Appreciate the qualities that make him a man.
Seems easy enough...
I've shared what I learned with a lot of my girlfriends and we all seemed to have reacted the same way so I'm curious about what you think.
I'm doing a paper for one of my classes about the sexual habits of undergraduate students. One of the articles I read described a survey that was done to determine what sexual values students agree with. There were three categories: absolutism (no sex until marriage), relativism (if in a relationship, sex is okay), and hedonism ("if it feels good, do it"). Most of the results were fairly expected. Men are more hedonistic; women are more relativistic. Students that have "hooked up" with someone or were in a "friends with benefits" type of situation were more hedonistic. You get the idea.
The findings that were most interesting to me were the conclusions that were drawn based on the differences between men and women. It said that the pleasure focused, hedonistic male, is seen as responding to his biological and genetic heritage. They are genetically wired to seek out numerous females to ensure that their own genes are reproduced and passed on. Then it goes on to say that women are genetically wired to be selective and prefer males who show an interest to stick around, provide economic resources, and help rear their offspring.
Now I know that got pretty technical, so I'm going to break it down. Basically this article said that it is natural for men to be with as many women as possible. And women get the short end of the stick because we tend to look for one man.
Does this really mean that there is no hope?? I mean, I guess I can see where the article is coming from a purely biological stand point. But, what about values or standards? what about self control? what about love? Aren't those things that must be considered too? I think so.
I can't help but smile for so many reasons when I listen to and watch this video. Of course, one of those reasons is because my huge crush :)
I'm 24 and I've perpetually been in a relationship since I was 15...9 years! Today is October 10, 2009 and I am completely and totally single. Believe it or not, I'm okay. Anyone who knows me knows that I love being in a relationship, that's just who I am. But I've finally come to accept that I am in fact not in a relationship. This realization didn't come without tears, quite a few of them actually. But I woke up today feeling good.
You may be asking what is the difference between "single" and "completely and totally single." Well, during the last 9 years, at one point or another, I've been "single." But there was always someone there - either I had feelings for someone, and that someone was giving my glimpses of hope or someone had feelings for me so I was trying to figure out if I had feelings for them, the cycle goes on and on. So I find myself in uncharted territories. I'm in a place where all I have to worry about is me. I'll make my own decisions, plan my day according to what I want to do, make myself a priority and that is so refreshing.
Am I giving up on relationships? Nope. But there are two things I know for sure:
1) There is a lot of learning and growing that I have to do on my own. I have to learn how to be happy by myself.
2) I know that I will find the one eventually so I just have to be willing to go on the journey.
I think it will be fun to document my journey along the way. My hope is that all you ladies out there will be able to relate to the things I'm going through. I'll take you along for the ride through healing my heartbreak, learning to love myself and love again, and perhaps some dating adventures. This blog will be an ode to single ladies so please, share your stories and insights. Here's to new beginnings, I won't promise that I will always be this optimistic but I will always be hopeful :)
