Bye Bye PT

Dear PT,

It was hard watching you drive away today. We had a wonderful 4 and a 1/2 years together. I remember not being thrilled about you in the beginning but now I don't know if another car can fully take your place. I'll miss you!

Epiphanies

Passing comments can really change your perspective on life. For the past couple of weeks, I've had some real epiphanies thanks to my friends. For so long the word "single" has had such a bad connotation to me. But why? Because I've always found myself in relationships, the word single was synonymous with "unwanted." The thought of being alone scared me. I've realized that I ground myself in my relationship. That was my source of security and stability. I was comfortable and knew what to expect. But looking back, it makes me wonder - was I losing myself in that process?

As insignificant as it may seem, I changed my facebook relationship status to single. I know some of you are thinking, "come on! it's just facebook!" And trust me, I know exactly where you are coming from. But I think another group of you understand the significance of declaring to everyone you know that you are now labeling yourself as "single." But it was the past couple weeks that I have accepted the greatness that comes along with being single, especially at this point in my life.

I found myself in a conversation about boys a few days ago (surprise surprise). We were talking about this very subject of being single. I declared, "Being single is exhausting!" In a relationship, I didn't have to worry about being engaging or interesting or flirty. By that I mean, attracting the opposite sex is not a priority. And I suppose I don't have to now but there is some pressure to show the best sides of you (inside and out) at all times. But I have to reframe my thinking from "single means searching for a relationship" to "single means searching for myself." My friend, Alexis, said something that was so poignant and I don't even think she realized it. She said something to the effect of, "I'm single and I'm okay with that because no one can make me as happy right now as I can." That comment hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so true - how can I expect someone else to make me happy, if I'm not the happiness I can be when I'm by myself?

I'm at a significant crossroads in life. I'm finally starting my professional career, I'm working towards financial independence, and I feel like a woman as silly as that sounds. It is equally as important for me right now to be looking inwards and be strong in who I am.

Being single isn't a bad thing - it is a powerful thing! Ingrid shared a fantastic quote with me from the ultimate single girl's source, Sex and the City: "Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you're pretty, sexy, and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with." I will think of this quote any time I'm feeling a bit insecure and I'm sure it will perk me right up!

Dreading...

I did something tonight that I've been dreading for quite some time. I finally took the leap and removed any physical memories of my past relationship. It sounds easy but my heart broke a little more each time I took a picture down. I didn't stop there though - I tried to put away anything that reminded me of him. I found that to be a little impossible without taking everything down. It seems that after two years, everything reminds me of him.

I have to look at the positives though. I realize this is a necessary step in this whole process called healing. And it became clear to me that I can't just expect I will move on without doing anything. I know the saying is that time will heal everything so I have to keep moving forward. Another good thing is that I won't see us everywhere I turn. Maybe I will eventually stop thinking "Where did it go wrong? Look how happy we were."

But the unfortunate thing is that even though the pictures aren't around anymore, my memories will be around for a long time. It's just hard to face the fact that certain people are leaving my life, that certain traditions will no longer happen, and new memories will start to take their place. I look forward to the time that my memories make me happy rather than sad and confused. Well, let me rephrase...I look forward to the time that my memories do not include the emotions: sad, confused, and lonely because many times I can look back and smile.

So I suppose it's obvious I have a long way to go in moving on, but I'm slowly but surely making my way. I'm sure I'll have more milestones to share with you soon...