New Beginnings

Wow - I've posted less than 10 ten times in over a year and a half. Honestly, I wish I had posted more because so much has happened. I began my first professional position in my career. I fell in love in a way that I hadn't yet experienced and created some amazing memories. I graduated with my second masters degree. I lost that love but learned more about myself and what I want than I ever expected because of that relationship. And now I'm picking up the pieces and starting a new chapter of my life.

For the first time since kindergarten, the school year started and I'm not a student. Being a "student" has been a part of my identity for so long that I'm still adjusting to life as only a professional. Learning what to do with my free time, setting goals to continue learning and growing outside of a classroom, and enjoying the freedom of having no homework! Another part of my identity for as long as I can remember is being "in a relationship." I don't think it comes as a surprise that I enjoy having someone by my side, supporting me, encouraging me, and just living life with me. Now I'm neither and honestly I'm scared. But I'm also proud to be a strong, intelligent, independent woman that has the world at her fingertips.

Everything that has happened to me has brought me to this exact moment. I'm confident in who I am but I'm ready to put me first for a change. I won't settle for less than everything I dream for in life. So here's to new beginnings: the path may not always be easy but all my experiences will be worth it in the end!

Dreading...

I did something tonight that I've been dreading for quite some time. I finally took the leap and removed any physical memories of my past relationship. It sounds easy but my heart broke a little more each time I took a picture down. I didn't stop there though - I tried to put away anything that reminded me of him. I found that to be a little impossible without taking everything down. It seems that after two years, everything reminds me of him.

I have to look at the positives though. I realize this is a necessary step in this whole process called healing. And it became clear to me that I can't just expect I will move on without doing anything. I know the saying is that time will heal everything so I have to keep moving forward. Another good thing is that I won't see us everywhere I turn. Maybe I will eventually stop thinking "Where did it go wrong? Look how happy we were."

But the unfortunate thing is that even though the pictures aren't around anymore, my memories will be around for a long time. It's just hard to face the fact that certain people are leaving my life, that certain traditions will no longer happen, and new memories will start to take their place. I look forward to the time that my memories make me happy rather than sad and confused. Well, let me rephrase...I look forward to the time that my memories do not include the emotions: sad, confused, and lonely because many times I can look back and smile.

So I suppose it's obvious I have a long way to go in moving on, but I'm slowly but surely making my way. I'm sure I'll have more milestones to share with you soon...

Giving Away The Pen

I have decided to give God the pen to my love story. He has given us His greatest love so why shouldn't I trust him to give me my perfect romance as long as I am faithful? My "forever" love story is being written by God even as we speak. I just have to surrender the pen that I for so long have tried to control.

I posted the following post originally on December 9, 2007 (I have tweaked it some for this post). I think it does a pretty good job explaining some of my emotions right now. I knew I wouldn't have been able to fully express myself, but I'm glad I was able to find something that was close enough for now:

I'm trying to be positive about everything but it is really hard. This week coming up is finals and I think it has knocked the Earth off of its normal rotation and is making EVERYTHING (and everyone) go a little kooky.

I thought that everything in my life was finally aligning. Ha...

I realized today that despite recent occurrences, I am worth it. Do I have places to grow and improve? Of course, everyone does. Do I believe that we all should be respectful and patient with people that are actually doing things to change? Absolutely.

I have also come to realize that I am ready for an unbreakable, unstoppable, head-over-heels, fight-for-each-other, do-anything-for kind of relationship. This is my public declaration: I will not settle until I have that kind of relationship. I haven't had one yet, but I have no doubt that it will be amazing.

Until then, I choose to be in love with God. Why? Because he romances me every day of my life. No matter how much I run from him, he does not let me leave. He has unending patience and love for me. This has been a struggle for me to come to this place because I feel really let down in a lot of areas of my life. I was at a place that I wanted to give up on my faith, but I know I need to trust that God knows my future. As long as I keep seeking him, He will lead me in the right direction.

I thank Ingrid for this verse:

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!"
Jeremiah 29: 11 - 13

I was at the point of saying, why believe in something that every time my prayers are "answered" I'm hurt? When I should be saying: I may not understand why things are working out this way, but I trust you and know that you would never hurt me. He is just preparing me for something more fulfilling than I can even fathom.

Romanced by God? What does that even mean? (Are you asking yourself that? I did at first too, but it makes complete sense.) Sunrises, Sunsets, Snow falling on Christmas, Fireflies at dusk, Light breeze on a sunny day, rays shining through the clouds. God romances us with the beauty of nature.




Can you believe the brilliance of the colors of the leaves? It was even more beautiful in person. We live in such a fast-paced world. Take the time to thank God for his creation. In the moments of utter beauty, when everything in the world seems to stop just so you can enjoy the moment, you are given a glimpse of Eden. The way the world was supposed to be. He loves us enough to show us that even when we are so undeserving, like I was when I doubted him.

Home Sweet (New) Home

My summer vacation ends tomorrow (cue violins).... But thankfully I was able to get one last vacation in before my hectic schedule begins. This past weekend I visited my parents in Nashville.

Well I flew into Nashville, but they live in Gallatin which is about 20 or 30 minutes outside of the city. Because my flight was late taking off, it wasn't until about 11 that we reached the house. This was my first time to my parents' new house so I was really excited. I had already seen some pictures but I hadn't seen it yet with their furniture and all the special touches that make it a home. So when my Dad and I got to the house, he gave me the grand tour. The house is so cozy - I really loved it! The neighborhood is a golf community and our house is right on the golf course so the scenery is also very nice. So that night (Thursday), we just chatted a bit, I loved on Sammy and then it was bedtime.

Friday morning I woke up and my Mom and I walked throughout the neighborhood. It was great exercise because it's rather hilly. But it was great catching up with her and just looking at all the beautiful houses. And of course, a trip to see my parents isn't complete unless my mom and I go shopping. This is what happens when you go in to Michaels just for fun:

Then we ventured to the mall and I used up my Macy's gift card. Speaking of shopping and bargain hunting, I bought a dress from Macy's for $20 that was originally $80. And my Mom and I both got scarves from American Eagle for $3 that were originally $20! I was proud of our purchases if I do say so myself.

That night when my Dad got home from work, we had a yummy dinner and then took Sam on a walk on the golf course. The sunset was amazing and it was fun taking some practice swings. Don't judge my form haha.



This may be a slight tangent but if there was ever such a thing as having a favorite bug, mine would be a firefly. I've never seen one in Orlando and the first time I saw one was in Tallahassee probably about 3 years ago and I was so awestruck by them. They appear during one of my favorite times of the day and I think they are magical. There were so many in the brush between our house and the golf course. It was such a treat for me to just watch them.

Saturday, my Mom and I went on another shopping adventure to a thrift store that a columnist called "Ms. Cheap" wrote about in the Nashville newspaper. They actually had beautiful wedding dresses for only $50. I don't believe I'll be getting married any time soon and I don't know how I feel about getting my wedding dress at a thrift shop, but I was intrigued enough to try one on! It was one of those "beautiful on the hanger, but not on me" types of situations. So I walked away with nothing. But nonetheless, it was fun! :) Then we went and saw The Ugly Truth. A little unnecessarily vulgar, but it was cute and we enjoyed it.

That night we met my Dad at his work and went downtown. What a great place to people watch! Ten times better than the airport haha. I was hoping for a celebrity spotting (according to my mom, Carrie Underwood was seen there the weekend before). But no such luck. Either way, we had a great dinner and a great time walking around and being in the hustle and bustle of downtown night life.


Poor baby...He looked so sad just laying there...



Sunday, I was able to sleep in which was nice. After a yummy breakfast made by my Dad, we all (yes, including Sam) made our way to the Harpeth River State Park. The directions I got weren't all that great but we finally reached our destination. It is spread out over several different places so we were able to get out walk around a bit and then drive a little more to see some other sights. We saw signs for canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, and zip lines so I know this will be a place that I will definitely go back to. It was so much fun spending quality time with my parents, watching Sam swim in the river, and seeing such a beautiful area.





Unfortunately, my visit was coming to an end. We went home and I got ready for my flight. The weekend seemed to go by so quickly but I'm grateful for being able to make the trip and I can't wait to go back!

One Year Ago

One year ago my life changed drastically. Within a matter of months, I moved from Tallahassee back to Windermere then to Burlington, NC then back to Winter Park. In the midst of this, I was starting a new chapter in my life that included working for Rollins and pursuing my masters degree.

Relationships were ending. Well not all of them. Some were just changing. Like those with all of my girlfriends in Tallahassee. We went from seeing and talking to each other every day to communicating mostly over facebook. I may sound like I'm complaining and in a way, I am. I miss being around them and I miss all the fun times we had together. Sometimes I wish I could go back just to have that again. But, all of us have grown so much since then! I'm proud of all my friends and so excited to see where our lives take us.

I've listened to a significantly smaller amount of country music this year compared to years past when I wouldn't listen to anything else. I know that sounds funny and thats not saying that I enjoy it any less, I've just developed a subconscious fear about it. A fear that if I turn the country station on a song charged with memories and emotions will be playing. The memories, I can deal with. However, the emotions associated with the memories are what I'm afraid to face. But its getting better. I'm coming to terms with the fact that some things, like all of my questions and analyzations of the situation, are better left in the past.

In the past year, I've learned what it means to live on my own. I've seen snow falling for the first time. Which means I made my first snowman, had my first snowball fight, and went sledding for the first time. I've become more self aware. I've traveled the world (well, a small portion of it). I've worked in a company that teaches its culture and that culture is actually apparent when I went into work each day. Every employee (or STAR as Gaylord likes to call us) is passionate about what they do. That is very rare so its hard to describe and explain. And now I'm getting ready to start my second year of working for Rollins and pursuing my masters degree. I can't believe I'm already half way through! I have a clearer picture of what I want my future to look like - what my career will be, the type of person I want to be and the type of person I want to be with. Having this picture in clearer focus makes life a little more comfortable.

Through all of this, a few things have remained constant. My relationship with God. Every day, I try to find ways to grow closer to God and have Him be the center of my life. By no means am I perfect, I never will be. But I do know that I will try my hardest to use God's word as my guide. My family. I've realized now more than ever, how lucky I am. My parents and my brother will be there for me no matter what and will always have my best interest in their hearts. I am so grateful for that. Stefano. I met Stefano one year ago today. What started out as a genuine friendship evolved into an amazing relationship. He keeps me grounded and he is my best friend. He's not afraid to be open and honest with me, even if its not exactly what I want to hear. And most of all, he loves me just the way I am. I don't think I could ask for anything more.

The most important thing I've learned this year is that I am truly blessed. Even with all the things I think I want or need, it will never compare to what I already have. I'm enjoying my journey and I know this year will bring just as many changes as the last year. I hope you continue checking up on me!

Tallahassee

I can’t believe that after almost four years of living in Tallahassee, the time has come. I move back to Orlando this weekend. It brings a mix of emotions. I’m excited about starting the next phase of my life but I am sad to be leaving. I don’t know the person that I would be had I not come to school here. I have had so many experiences and have grown so much while being here.

Moving away from my parents for the first time was hard. But it taught me to be more independent and strong.

My dorm freshman year brings a lot of good memories and some bad as well. The roommate situation could have been better but it helped me learn that people aren’t always going to get along but you have to learn how to deal with it. And I had all of my close friends from high school with me – we had so much fun.

I remember walking around campus before my first day of college classes with my little map, making notes of where the buildings were. Looking back on it now, I can’t believe I know the campus like the back of my hand. I thought I would never get used to it.

My freshman year brought a change of heart. I went to FSU for the meteorology program. I decided that wasn’t the path I wanted to go. I sometimes regret that decision but I know that God has a path for me and I don’t think He would lead me away from my true passion (although I don’t know what that is yet).

My sophomore year was the year of change.

My two best friends decided they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. That caused good and bad changes in my life. Of course, I was confused and hurt. My life would, without a doubt, be completely different if we stayed friends. And if it wasn’t for my roommates, Emily and Lindsay, I would have been lost.


Back in the Day!

I was able to experience college life and meet an enormous amount of people because of Emily and Lindsay, they brought me out of my shell. And we have been friends (and with Emily, roommates) ever since. I’m excited that all of us will be in Orlando together.

That year, I gave up an old love and gained a new one. I met Eric. My boyfriend – my best friend. It would take me pages to explain how much he means in my life.


First Picture of Me and Eric

My junior year was full of fun.

I finally lived off campus with great friends. So many memories, so much drama. My life would be boring without these girls. And if they are reading this right now, only they will know the craziness of that year. I love each of them for different reasons – they have contributed to my life and I am grateful for that.


306 the beginning

I got involved on campus by joining CHICS. Caring and Helping In Community Service. I was able to volunteer and meet some of the greatest girls I've met while at FSU. I smile every time I think of spending time with this group. Lots of laughs and lots of fun :)


Great Girls!

My brother moved to Tallahassee that year. He has always been my brother but I don’t know if I would have considered him a “friend.” I am so happy to say that now he is one of my best friends who happens to also be my brother.


Me and Kyle

He introduced me to Life Church, now Genesis Church. When I leave Tallahassee, this is one of the biggest aspects of my life that I will miss. I don’t know if I will ever have a pastor who is so passionate about making church relevant and trying to reach people like Pastor Brian is. He has taught me that the Bible does relate to my every day life and through all of his messages has shown me how to walk in Jesus’ path. I will never forget my time at Genesis Church. I can feel the difference from when I first started going there until now. I just hope that I can continue growing.

My senior year (only one semester) can be described as the semester of Bullwinkles. In the midst of finishing college and interviewing for jobs, we found a new place to go. It reminds me of our sophomore year and Stetsons. Both places were always a good time (and of course, this was when we were first introduced to Tom Sartori haha – I will always remember that night).


Tom Sartori!

My last semester was a roller coaster of emotions. Excitement, nervousness, scared, happy, sad, mad – I felt it all. I was trying to figure out the rest of my life. And I was dealing with rejection after rejection in job interviews. Not knowing what I was doing wrong or why things weren’t working out. If I didn’t have my friends and family, I would have been going crazy.


I love them!

Graduation day went by so quickly. All of my efforts during my time as a student at FSU were wrapped up in that one day. Why did I wear those red shoes? haha :)



My sublease not working out forced me to stay in Tallahassee. Yesterday was the last day of my first job. I’ll remember the day I was offered the job forever. I was so excited, and I thought I was going to be such an integral part of my department. I spent a lot of my time bored at my job (and if you have talked to me during that time, you know my frustration very well). But it helped me develop as a person – just as every other experience has. I learned what I wanted and needed out of a career – to be around people, to be busy and have responsibilities, basically everything that job wasn’t. But I met some incredibly nice people – and I wish them all of the success.

And now I have come full circle and I’m going back to school. I may regret my decision when I have tests to take and papers to write and projects to do but I am getting my masters. I should feel blessed that I have this opportunity. And I am – I’m excited for everything that could happen to me as a result of being a part of Rollins.

I will miss the football games. I will miss driving up the hill on Tharpe because that always brought a good feeling knowing that I was almost home. I will miss Frisbee golf and One Stir Fry. I will miss my brother and watching him sing. I will miss church. I will miss my apartment. I will miss my roommates.

I will miss Tallahassee.

But through everything, I had and will always have my friends and family. My parents have always been there for me through all of my emotions, supporting me and loving me. Thank you – I love you both more than I can explain.



There are so many more memories I can talk about. And they will be the reason why leaving on Sunday will be so hard. But they come with me - I will always have my memories.